Tuesday, December 17, 2013

the scariest question

An obsessive, time consuming addiction I've developed.  

Asking myself, "Who am I going to be?"

With this fall semester over and time to myself to work on my thesis and job hunt, I can't seem to turn my brain off.  There is something so powerful and exciting about knowing that there is a whole world waiting to be seen, languages to be learned, food to be tasted, and skills to be sought.  

I'm usually faced with the argument that "now is not the time to worry about that."
So when is the time?  If I'm not mapping out my future now, when is it gonna happen?  My biggest fear is that it will be too late for me to pursue a dream.   But that's the thing about dreams, you can't have them all lined up like ducks in a row.  Sure you can pay your credit card bills, keep your credit high, remember to turn in checks, papers, signatures, buy cards, etc. You can schedule every last second of your day but inspiration, growth, creativity, how do you schedule that?  I think it's so evident in this very structure, this little piece of the internet that I have.  I can't sit here and type a post to you without creativity or desire to do so. It would be forced and unpleasant and not worth your time.  Hence, my sporadic appearances and jolts of activity.  Hi.

I feel like I'm living in a constant vertigo (ha!) of teetering between the fantasy of life's fullness and the ability to be anyone.. and the reality of what will probably be.  Why is that this second questioning of doubt always springs up before I have the chance to develop a second thought or longing.
I could create something new...how?
I could be famous...and spiral into a pit of self destruction?  
I could pursue politics in DC...and end up dead like that guy on House of Cards?
I could be a successful creative and blog for a living...and work from home?
I could pick up everything and move to San Francisco...and have no friends?
I could find a studio and move to NYC and struggle to afford rent...and not eat food?
I could be an actress yet to be discovered...and be in really awful commercials?
I could get over my fear of writing...and? I don't even know. 
I could just travel the world...without any money?
I could pay lots of money to take computer classes..and then find out I hate it?  

i could live at home
work at a restaurant at the beach 
take a job from 'dad's friend'
move to baltimore 

What's wrong with safe?  Why am I scared of safe?  Shouldn't I be grateful that I have safe?  Especially when most people in the world are grateful to have a roof.  

With graduation 3,246 hours away, how am I supposed to sleep?  I know that I don't have to have it figured all out before I put the cap and gown on, but shouldn't I have a game plan? Is anyone else feeling like this?  

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